


At a Will

by Quartzitedecadence



Category: Ranger's Apprentice - John Flanagan
Genre: A lot of things about Skandia is pretty vague here, Angst, Father and Son Relationship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Set after the fourth book
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-13 03:33:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15355308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quartzitedecadence/pseuds/Quartzitedecadence
Summary: Sometimes it's hard for Will to sleep. Those nightmares, no, memories attacked him at night. It was always cold when it happened even in this warm home.





	At a Will

Will was fine.

Nothing was amiss. He was back home. A home was where everything was safe. His bed was here. His friends weren’t too far. Tug was here. Most importantly, Halt was here.

Halt was here. The apprentice had nothing to worry about. Yet no matter he coaxed himself to believe that the grim-faced ranger wouldn’t let his apprentice go into harm, his hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

His whole body was shivering. It was warm. It wasn’t cold. Not cold like in the winter at the yard. Not cold from the freezing water that needed the paddles. Not cold. He wasn’t cold. It was warm. Not cold. Warm. Not cold. Not cold. Not cold. Not cold!

A whimper made its way from his throat. Nightmares- memories kept flashing through his mind’s eye. It felt like everything was happening all over again. The snow, the hopeless faces, the loneliness, the aching in his bones, how the gilded warmth took over his mind. How that warmth removed any ambition to live. To live! A simple human function that he wasn’t able to do.

He felt so alone with the same hopelessness back as a prisoner. Will was helpless against the night- memories. Some memories were blurry, some were lucid, some just felt disconnected. But the moments were there. They happened. He had the scars all across his body. He would always see it. They weren’t fake, even if he wished it so.

Will threw himself to his training, leaving no time to think about the chill. All focus was on his strength backing his shots, the technique, anything and everything other than those nightmares. He would assuage the situation with a smile. An easy-going smile that had a burden on it. It belied his inner turmoils. Sometimes it was hard to turn his mouth up. He still did it anyway. They were distractions to his training. His training was for the best of the kingdom.

But here he was, staring at the moon through the window that was taunting him that time has passed. He gave one thought a second and the whole thing came spiraling into more thoughts and more till his head was going to explode. He couldn’t find any respite in sleep as the moments played under his eyelids.

The boy let out a shaky breath as he buried his face into his clammy hands, “I’m- you’re fine. You’re not there anymore. He- Halt came for you like he said he would.” More words were murmured, but he couldn’t remember them for they were all incoherent. Although, he was sure that all of them were reassurances that he wasn’t in the icebound land anymore and finally safe from the horrors.

But so much was lost. He lost so much time. Time he could have used to do something. Anything for that matter! Even if he was able to regain some of his strength after of few months, it felt like he hit a wall. He couldn’t get any better. He was worse than before. The bow moved with his strength, but the arrow didn’t hit the bullseye. A ranger practices until he doesn’t make any mistakes.

His breath quickened. Will made a myriad of mistakes and they wouldn’t end. The strike was late, the footprints weren’t of a rabbit, the trail wasn’t covered, the attention was focused on the wrong place, the hiding spot was too obvious, the arrow missed, and more emerged from them. His heart was pounding in his ears. It was hot. Too hot. What if he forgot to tell the citizens to flee and everyone got hurt? What if he shot the wrong person? What if the bowstring broke?

‘Jump off the cliff. It’ll be less messy that way.’

Will’s laugh was breathy as he trembled. He didn’t notice that his hand was gripping his other wrist to the point where the hand was turning white. It was a rather fond memory. His best friend Horace and himself were questioning Halt’s former apprentice Gilan about fighting axmen. After Gilan’s irritated response, Horace and Will grinned at each other when they thought the ranger wasn’t aware. 

However, the memory wasn’t as kind anymore. The boy’s stomach churned. That advice could be used in any situation. If he was having a hard time, he could jump to liberty. Never having to deal with this feeling ever again. Though, Gilan wouldn’t be pleased by the fact that his advice was used for a daft method.

Sometimes Will wasn’t certain whether something happened. He sought out Evanlyn every time he wasn’t sure, but she isn’t here anymore and he hasn’t been able to see her for the past few weeks. He couldn’t tell what was the reality at some moments. It was like he was disconnected from the world.

Her warm hand would grasp onto his, giving a squeeze like he did once for her. She brought him back to the world when he stared at the space beyond.

Now she wasn’t with him anymore. She was in Castle Araluen. She wasn’t Evanlyn. Not the person who had stuck by him as he meandered in the puzzling wonderland. She was Princess Cassandra. Princess Cassandra had the whole kingdom behind her to assist her. Princess Cassandra had no need to interact with a ranger apprentice. A ranger apprentice was part of a secretive group that not many understand.

His heart ached. She wasn’t seen at the celebration and they hadn’t interacted in a while. They were growing apart. Their lives were not compatible with their lines of work, so he had no one to talk to about this.

But he had Halt.

Halt knew what happened. Evanlyn explained everything to him. Not everything per se, but all in her perspective. Will was unable to say anything, a lump in his throat impeded any progress the words made to escape. His perspective wasn’t placed into the light. Evanlyn had said what occurred, but to him, it felt different. His views were different from hers.

He was jealous that she was put in the kitchens. It wasn’t fair! She had it easier. Why didn- He wouldn’t let his emotions get the better of him. They were both seized. She had no choice. The control wasn’t theirs to use. His experience was different, but he couldn’t put into words what happened.

Oh, how he wished to ease the nightmares and the moments where it was a quandary to breathe. He would tell Evanlyn, but the time never came and she had her own troubles. Horace was his best friend yet Will couldn’t bring himself to broach the subject. Although Gilan would throw himself on him, he was assigned at another fief already with a mission that needed to be fulfilled. Will found it difficult to perceive Halt’s reaction if he told him.

Halt was someone Will trusted with everything. The boy wanted to please the stern man, so he couldn’t show any weakness. He didn’t want Halt to know what he felt and how it ate at him. If he did… would Halt deny him the privilege of being his apprentice? Suddenly, breathing wasn’t a habit. His eyes stung. 

He thought that if he ignored it long enough it wouldn’t bother him, but he found these nights arriving more often. These nights affected the quality of his training which he assumed was subpar. This had to end. This had to stop. He didn’t want to leave this cabin, his home.

The boy bit back a sob. Rangers had a trait for light sleeping which Will had adopted so every single unfamiliar sound was under his scrutiny and wariness. His mentor was no exception.

“Will,” a voice said with that quiet Hibernian burr.

Will froze. He knew exactly who that was. He couldn’t dare to face the good man. His eyes were on his shivering hands. Halt was here, and his apprentice couldn’t bear to let Halt see him this way.

“Will,” the ranger was right next to Will, “look at me.”

The boy glanced at the ranger’s face for a moment then gazed down at his hands. Those eyes were full of concern although the man’s sullen face would not betray that to the common folk. He had been with this man for a long time and could discern how he reacted for the most part. Yet Will couldn’t look and prepared himself for the worst.

Only the silence lingered in the room with only the terrorized boy’s labored breathing. The whole room was suffocating the boy.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Inhale. Exhale.

“Ha-Halt,” the apprentice fought to keep his tone level. “Halt, I’m all right. You can go back to sleep.” He looked up to meet the ranger’s face but not the eyes.

There was a moment of silence before the ranger broke it. “No, you’re not,” That man was firm. “You’ve been unfocused during your training when we came back even with the simple tasks that I’ve given you. We- you never talked what happened to you in Skandia. What happened.” The tone doesn’t make it sound like the ranger is asking any questions.

And Will began to shiver as if the snow had appeared in this warm home. The boy’s vision blurs. The only thing anchoring him from truly going back to his memories is the slight warmth he feels on his back.

People had said to the boy that the eyes are the windows to a person’s soul.

The courage wells up inside him to look at his mentor in the eyes when his sight clears. Halt was never a person who revealed his emotions openly, but living with this man for a while now allowed Will to understand the small nuances in his body language, especially those in his eyes since the man held himself quite rigid.

Those eyes held a cauldron of emotions, but the one that was most prominent was concern even if the man didn’t right out say it. The man who was a father figure to him was concerned for him.

The man’s apprentice felt like he could cry tears of relief.

**Author's Note:**

> I find it hard to believe that Will brushed off the time in Skandia with little struggle, so I just wrote about it. I've had this work in my files for a while, and it feels a bit rushed but I wanted to get it done and move on.
> 
> This is highly self-indulgent and I was not in the best mood when I wrote it, but I'm glad it's done!


End file.
